Remember the event that happened exactly three months ago, today?
Where my very own strong, and guiding light had decided it was his time, and his time couldn't wait no more. The angels were waiting outside for him, taking him in their invisible, comfortable arms, flying him up in the misty air. Sending him to a place where they promised, it'd be even better for him, for it was what he deserved, no pain or evil sides that would be disturbing him in every of his beauty, peaceful sleep. He would be shining in the skies at night, and smiles when the sun came out of it's hiding place. He'd be there watching me in every step I was about to take, every movement where three months ago, I promised I would stand by him, till the very end. And whatever I am and was doing so far, it was all dedicated for my guiding light; who's probably be smiling his beautiful, miraculous smile from the above at this very moment.
Little one, Mario, I longed for your love, dear.
Hence, today, it was, once again, windy, cloudy, sad, dark and slow.
I could never attach my self permanently to the fact that my guide had now been taken away, somewhere far, somewhere where I couldn't see him, let alone reach for him. He was right here in my arms, yesterday night. But here comes another day of saying how much I longed for him, here comes another day, where I'd be drowning my self in my own bashful tears, of which none would be replied. None would be erased.
Though today I didn't intend to cry so much more, cause I didn't want Mario to see my growing little self got bashed and drained with depression and sadness. I wanted him to see that holding on everyday was what I tried to do, starting from the very day he was gone.
But it seemed that it was, almost, if not already, nearly impossible to do that.
Tania, another of my guiding light, my inspiration, a beautiful fifteen years old girl, growing big with maturity and stronger depth of heart was probably in the airplane right now, flying away too, but was about to go back to her homeland. The city where she was born, where her first blood fell, and where she first saw the world with her round, pretty, hazel eyes. She was one of the kids in the orphanage, for more than five whole years now. It turned out that her mother had found a better house and a comfortable place for them to live in a little village in France. I remembered how long my parents both visited that country the last two months, and I couldn't help wondering if it was their orphanage business that they told us. Tania, who was growing alongside me for all those years, was undoubtedly on the cloud number nine when she heard about this news. She was given Friday or Sunday to be able to flight back to France, but she chose it today. And without her realizing it, it reminded me of the day Mario had gone. Her slipping image began to conquer my mind, and it seemed to stab my heart from the side silently. While I couldn't do a thing about it. My heart was filled with even happier feelings and deserted with such a lovely atmosphere, but I couldn't help crying my liver out remembering how today reminded me of three months ago.
"I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to choose today so that it reminds you of Mario... I'm very sorry... I didn't mean to," I recalled her soft plea to me at the beginning of the day. It was just after seven when we arrived at the orphan, and she was all ready finished with her packing, wearing a soft, yellow dress with her. She looked so beautiful, so angelic, that my tears couldn't stop itself before I realized it. When I cried in her room, she hugged me tightly, apologizing for careless choice. But again and again did I tell her that it was just me. Just me and my helpless feeling and emotions.
"I didn't think you'd remember the exact date... I didn't even think that anyone would remember." Her brown hair fell from her side as she angled her face to look at me. I smiled between my ever-still flowing tears.
We were sitting in the middle of her bed, whilst the big bedroom was empty as everyone was busy having breakfast at the kitchen. But Tania was so gratitude that she skipped it to talk to me. I felt so childish when I realized she was the one who was calming me down. The room, painted light pink by the choice of my father, is the room for the girls in the orphanage. At the moment it consists of nine bed and all of the beds were still occupied with flowery and patterned bedsheets. The only one that wasn't was, I realized, Tania's bed. I knew that tomorrow, where I came back here, she'd be not here anymore, her bed would be empty. As well as her usual roses patterned sheets. I knew that once she stepped out of this room, I'd be missing her smell as it'd vanished together with her. I realized... as soon as she moved out of the front door, her future would be the one that she'd be holding in her hands. I realized, she'd forget about us soon. She'd be Tania, a different girl, who was about to start a new life, together with her real mama, her real life. Her real intention of staying alive.
It all, somehow, without me wanting to, reminded me of Mario.
"I thought the same, dear, I know no one in my family remembered though." I smiled at her, where she replied me easily, her lips moving in such a great ease, that I knew at once, she was so happy about the news she received a few days ago, that nothing was far more important than that. I'd be missing that smile so much. The loud laughed that she loved to give out.
"I'm so going to miss you..." She said suddenly. My heart fell out immediately. I closed my eyes for a few seconds ticking by, before reopening them and reached over to kiss her on the head.
"And me to you." I managed a broken smile.
"No, I'd miss you more. I'll be so far away from you, and I wouldn't be able to listen to you reading us those novels you brought. It's going to be so different."
But I knew... I knew that when you were gone, dear, I'd be the one who'd hang lose to the falling pole. I'd be the one to miss you more, I'd be the one who'd be lonely.
"But remember that you have your beautiful mother waiting for you on the other side of the country, Tania. No matter how different it might be, it's going to be even better, right? You'll have your mother by your side, all the time." She was already reaching towards me to hug me tightly.
"But it'd still be different. I will miss all of you here, you all are my real family... You never throw me away like how mama did. Or how papa did. You are always there whenever I need you. I would never forget all your kindness... Here, I feel like a princess, I never feel left out." She was sobbing on my shoulder. Even though she was mature and strong, but inside she was still the same nine years old girl that first came into the house with tears in her eyes, frightened with what she was about to face. I knew how hurt she was, yet still felt unbelievably happy now when she heard the guaranteed news my father told him.
"No, no Tania," I caressed her hair softly, hoping she'd stop sobbing, "I'm sure mama never meant to throw you away. No parents would ever do that. You're her daughter, and you came out from her womb, dear. She was the one who had to go through the hurdles and hardships for when she was about to deliver you. Do you understand what I mean? Every mother would feel the same, they have the strongest connection ever for their children. And I'm sure in every thing that she did, she do it for you. For the best of you. And look now, it's like she did her promise dear..." I smiled, remembering the story Tania told me about her past, about what her mother told her, and how she told me she didn't understand what her mother meant to say.
"Yeah... I just hope she will never, ever do that again..." Her hands getting tighter around my waist, and I understood how much she needed attention and support at that moment.
"Hey now, everything will be fine, Tania... Dad won't lie to us, right? I'm sure he also wants the best for you, Tan. He was so happy when he told me that you were going home soon, your mother's waiting for you there with arms wide open, dear." Taking her face, wiping her tears, I saw the hint of her happy smiled then. And it did help me happy too.
She then glanced to the watch on her hands. Just as she did that, my dad barged in the door.
"Hello girls, it's time to go! We'll be waiting outside, okay?" As soon as he closed the door back, I heard Tania's sobbing again.
"I can't believe it, I'm going soon... I'm going to leave this heaven behind..." She sobbed between her painful words, and cupped her face in her hands. I couldn't help but crying my tears out of my eyes too. My heart fell for her, how the past had made her suffer, when she was so small, and yet already seen things she shouldn't see at all.
"Now, now, we wouldn't want your mother to see you all this sad, would we?" It succeed in making her smile a little in the middle of her crystal tears.
"Mia... I wonder if mama will be proud of me, as much as you are proud of me..." There was something like hope in the middle of her eyes. Her face was twisted in an expression that I couldn't tell. It was in between hope and despair. I wanted to hug her so tight in my arms, to tell her that everything would be okay and just fine.
Instead, I squeezed her arms, "Of course she will, Tania. She will be so proud of you that she'd want to scream to the whole world that she had a daughter, someone so brave like you, dear. You can remember this words I tell you when you're in France." I kissed her head again. And she closed her eyes while I did, pair of happy tears fell down her soft cheeks.
"You are the best, Mia. I hope one day I'd have an orphan too, and be able to help the kids that have had the same past like me, like what you did. I wanted to be someone like you, and be able to return the things that you have done for me. I will miss you so, so bad, and I don't think I'd ever meet someone like you, again. Thank you so much, for wanting to sacrifice having me in your life. I hope you'll never forget me..." She was crying out of control when she told me all this beautiful, heartfelt sentences. And I was, too. I couldn't help smiling so sweet between our silent, rushing tears as we held each other as tight as possible. It was as if the world was ours. And no one else's.
Whilst I was still surprised and shocked with her last, memorable message for me, I told my self that I'd never forget her, but knew that in an instance, she'd forget me as soon as she have her new, deserved life.
"Tania, thank you for the beautiful words, sweetheart. I surely will never forget you. But just remember, this journey that you're taking is called your life, dear. And this is the journey that you're designed for, the journey that was given to you, because everyone else have the same journey called life. The only thing that differentiate us is how we face the problem, how we're going to get out of the misery and the adventurous journey to be able to step in the finishing line and be someone that we want. That's the only different. And you, you are so brave, so beautiful, so young and so pure. Never regret what have happened in the past dear, and never questioned them anymore. Now that you've learned the worst, and grown into such a mature and stronger girl, you'll realized that this past that you've been through is the one that makes you a great woman one day. Will you remember that, please, for me?" It was the only message I could give to her for her to continue her journey. She deserved better, so much better.
Her hands were now wrapping me tightly as she sobbed on my shoulders, her body shook with every tears gone. It was as if she couldn't say anything. The time was close, and we knew everyone was waiting for us, outside. I closed my eyes, still caressing her hair and hugging her as close as possible to my heart. I wouldn't know when tomorrow could bring me towards this memory again. I would never know, if ever I'd be able to see her grow becoming the person she wanted to be. I wouldn't know, ever. I've thought of seeing her, one day, with her dad-to-be by her side, as she walked the red carped towards the aisle....
Her sobbing became more shallow as time passed by, while I couldn't help but just held her tight in my arms. Before I realized it, she was wiping her tears before she spoke into my ears.
"I will Mia. I will remember that till I die. Thank you for everything. Bye-bye."
Her kissed on my cheek was just a split second before she was right out the door.
In that very moment, I already could feel her Jasmine's smells fading away from the room. As I sat there in her bed, white sheet and empty, I could already feel her presence fading away. Her voices were flying in the air, away from the room, her steps, and the warmth of her self that I felt just now... It was all gone. In that very moment, where I was sitting still upright, and the world was spinning around me. My tears fell even faster than it had ever been. My lips, wet and pursed, was speechless for one moment. And when I was shaken from the honk outside the house, my body felt weaker than ever.
Here comes my self, wishing things would change, wishing things would never be the way it is. Yet knowing things had to be done, and none would ever listen to my speechless wishes.
She was right there in my arms tonight, yet tomorrow, she was gone.
Three months since Mario went to fly, so high above the sky... and yet here comes another goodbye. Another beautiful memories left behind as a new life was created. Here comes me with another pain weighted on my shoulder. Another burden for me to pick up alone, for there was no one who was able to help me other than my self.
But I had to let her go; just like how I let Mario go.
They are both important for me, one that had an impact in my life, placing a permanent love inside my empty heart. And I knew the law, the painful law of relationship that we'd always have to face one day or another.
That the more you love the person, the faster you'll lose them.
My crying and my breaking apart wouldn't be necessary now, but my smiles would be pure for them, as I knew both of them were like my real brother and sister. And now they were both going to two different destination to make a better life for them. It just never failed to make me happy whenever I saw my loved one happy. I have nothing and no reason at all to stop them. They have their rights, and they have their choices, I was one who left behind, yet if it was for the better, I'd sacrificed everything. Because to love means to sacrifice, and to sacrifice means to love.
I love you both, if ever you'd be reading this, both of you, I want you to know, I love you so much.
I believe that when we were given the chance that our path will cross each other one day, we will meet again. But for the time being, I wish you all the best, my dearest. It'd be me who'd be lonely, but it'd still be me who'd be so proud of you.
Take care, love.
Mia - 15th August 2010 -