Everything is as though the beautiful, night dreams which keeps on pursuing and binding the live of me when this all is in fact a bitter reality that I am facing through. The laughs, the loves, the tears, the hatreds, the strengths, the weakness, the determines, the pain, the regret, the happiness, the inspirations, the rising, the hard resolutions, the questions and the answers. As the seconds turns to minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, cycling through years and years of tumbling down and revivals. Surviving and dying. It's coming out to me way too fast, I don't realize it's almost a decade now. Crumple in between my hands now is an old, dusty paper that's almost turn into yellow which I hide inside a white, shoe box behind the cupboard over a year ago. There's a written list on the paper; it was full of my writing beginning from when I was just eight summers of age until I grew up and maturing. A tear slides down my cheek and drop on the paper, making a silent sound deafening the ears. I blink on the journey I have been through. Most of my writing on that single paper were scattering and breaking; I remember those nights and days as if it all just happened yesterday. I read them all over and over again.
Life is a withering flower in an open field. Densely filled with murkiness even though it was designated with colorful buds of different sizes and shapes. Day by day it bloomed from a bud into a beautiful flower, emerging up high from the grasses, standing out to be different. Luckily having the sun smiling down joyfully, the soils being a helpful support, the rainwater splashing over giving life. A never-ending splendor that attracted butterflies and bees with it's sweet scents and paradise scene. Suddenly time passed by, and then the hope began to wilt. It slowly began to crumple into thin layer of dump on a sticky stem. The sun hid behind the cloudiness, red soils turning into mud, even the droplets trickled faraway. It then let the desolation took hold over it's life, tumbling down, floating and hanging in the middle of the air as the breezes drove it to nowhere. As soon as it fell into the ground, no one knew where it came from.
Life is whatever happened in it. What your eyes saw, what your ears heard, what your mouth spoke. The words that you wrote, the things that you captured, the song that you sang, even the heart that you broke. Haunting nightmare when you visited the dreamland, laughters of a friend that brought joy into your heart, the tears that you wiped away with the back of your hand. Even the person that joked across the street with a partner, the cars that raced passed by you, the weathers that changed behind your back. Moments and memories of you growing up to become an independent person, when you felt heartbreak and fought for your dream, as you survived after falling down, tripping over your own misfortune. The night that you kicked away your blanket, the day that you made the things that you love, the shaking and nodding of your heads only to satisfy your wants. The feeling that trapped you, the senses that taught you and the system which told you that your blood was still flowing. The rising and falling you went through, all those hardships, and every little things that you did. At once you shut your eyes down, you forgot what happened.
Life just is.
I am used to believe that I have no faith anymore in having a good life ahead ever since ten years ago. I always filled my head with negativity, and let my heart being captured with the darkness of the past, the evil who was greedy. But now as time moved on, I had proved my self one by one, little by little, that I could, I can, do things and pick things by my own. That I have promised my father a long time ago that I would be independent and I can still raise a life that is if not a hundred percent, then ninety percent of it as normal. Lately I just realized that I can do it, and I am, without being ungrateful, proud of what I was doing and what I am still doing.
Soon enough I will be on my own. Still can't believe it that I will be on and in this way. Long time ago, I always heard this type of storylife from someone else. The story that they went on a journey, a different one from their normal life that will decide their future. Now here I am standing. I am right at their feet now. It is not every bit easy. Life is never easy, no one has ever said it was. But if you never try, you will never know. There is no impossible for the possible. Never has anyone say that you cannot change yourself. In fact, you are the only person that is able to do it. You, and you only. If only you put your determination and strengthen your heart, reach for your goals and have a trust in your life to change your dreams into reality.
You only need to have faith in your self, am I right?
Let's take a lead and change us for the better.
Now put your hand over your heart, and ask away.
What is your life to be?
Bad, worst, worser? Good, better, best?
Remember; Life is when you went through the worst of the worst, yet still getting stronger no matter how hard it gets, because you know it's worth it and that it will all be alright in the end.
Mia - 24th Jan. 2011.